merry christmas [25 Dec 2009|10:46am] whitemansburden A camel and mule are put in the same stall. "Why is it?" asks the mule.  "I've always wanted to know.  Why do I come stumbling down the mountain frightened, with my pack saddle crooked and the driver beating me, while you glide over the same grade in pure felicity?  Have you been given a special dispensation?  Why don't you ever fall on your face like me?"  The camel: "Every smooth descent is a gift.  But also there are differences between us. Unlike yours, my head stays high, so that from the top and all the way down, I see the foot of the mountain and every hollow and rise, fold on fold.  A true human being does this in life.  He or she sees to the death day and knows what will happen  twenty years from now, and in the interval, not only for him- or herself but for everyone. Intelligent light lives in the loving knowledge of such a saint.  Why? Because that's where it feels at home.  Joseph dreamed the sun and the moon were bowing down to worship him. Ten years went by and that came to pass.  The saying, 'He sees by God's light,' is not an idle idiom.  It means something.  There is light that can shatter this earth-and-sky.  It cannot be seen with the eyes.  This vision sees only the next step, what's directly in front.  Another difference between us is that my nature is more pure than yours." cut from Coleman Barks' interpretation of Rumi's poetry ////////////////   Christmas is a time to reflect on our identities.  Who we are, why we stray from that.  What we wish to improve, what we inspire others to improve about themselves.  It's a time where I only think body-positive thoughts, because I am sick and tired of being so hard on myself (though this happens less often than ever before, it still occurs occasionally.  I'd say every three or four months.)   I love Christmas.  The older I get, the more practical and useful my gifts become.  I have acquired all of the items on my cooking equipment wishlist: immersion blender, Kitchen Aid stand-up mixer, espresso maker, and more.  Now I ask for warm clothing and long johns.  I want what I have. That is Christmas. And the best gift of 2009?  Jonathan spent Christmas Eve with my family -- four hours of cooking, sipping wine, and socializing.  The meal was very simple: cioppino (halibut, salmon, mussels, clams, shrimp); garlic pizza with fresh herbs & gruyere & roasted tomatoes & & toasted pine nuts & artichokes; stuffed mushrooms; carrot cake; assortment of Christmas cookies.   And they have been raving about him.  Even my mom.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen before "two wrongs" were equal to "a right." I should have believed everyone who said, "Just be patient.  Things won't be turbulent like this forever."   It was difficult when facing words that left wounds.  It was difficult when ostracized by my parents.   Now, things aren't so difficult anymore.  At least not with respect to my parents 'hating' Jonathan for 'forcing them to compete for my attention.'   ////////////////   More camel?  or more mule?    It's an interesting train of thought. 1 | go on, just say it

time to take a breath for the holidays. [24 Dec 2009|03:55pm] whitemansburden I jumped from the frying pan of final exams to the fire of working at the hospital.  Along with staffing responsibilities (the skill sets I have been developing over the past three years), I am starting to get a glimpse at what it is like to be a pharmacist.  I only have about half of the necessary classes under my belt, so my knowledge base is much like Swiss cheese.  I don't have all of the details and I am not 100% proficient at integrating the information that I do know.  I think this is what is exciting about being a student. Much to my surprise, my mom called me the other night to specifically tell me to invite Jonathan to spend Christmas Eve with us.  She even said, "We want him to come," which answered the question that came to mind immediately, Mom -- are you doing this because you feel like you should?  Do you pity him? The next week of my life is going to be awesome.  I have to work from 3-7pm on Christmas, but that's okay.  Then Saturday I work a full day, will go to the gym, and leave for NYC just after midnight.  I will then spend two and a half days in the city with Jenna, Dena, Liz, et. al. before returning to Syracuse for a mini-get away with Jonathan.  He has taken two days off from work (he already had New Years' Day off) to stay in a cabin and hike, cross country ski, and snow-shoe for three nights and four days! I am going to be so happy I won't know what to do with myself for the next week. Merry Christmas, everyone!  go on, just say it

home. [20 Dec 2009|09:33am] whitemansburden  I expected to breeze through my last final exam on Thursday.  Boy, was I wrong!  The allotted time was three hours; I expected to need about one-third of that.  No.  In fact, I needed all but thirty minutes of that time.  Not because the exam was particularly difficult, but because it was long and writing intensive.  This was quite the surprise after a semester of multiple choice only exams. But I made it through and hit the road immediately after.  I drove to Jonathan's where he had hand-pressed falalfel waiting to be fried, bell pepper & cucumber & plum tomato to be sliced, and whole wheat pita to devour with all of it.  Needless to say, I was a happy girl within twenty minutes ... sipping on raspberry porter and recalling the details of my day.  By the time we were finished eating, it was already 9:30pm so we watched the last leg of an Animal Planet show about the migratory patterns of animals that live in Yellowstone National Park.  The logical thing to do after that was go to bed. On Friday morning, I kept one eye open to watch Jonathan get ready before work before going to the gym and returning to my parents' house to rest my bones and unpack my things for the first half of winter break (the last half will be spent with J).  I watched TV until my mind was well-saturated (about an hour) before leaving to re-visit my old high school.  I was hoping to see three people in particular (my guidance counselor, English & creative writing teacher, and mentor.)  I had the pleasure of spending about half an hour with each of them, and another English teacher in addition.  Speaking to these people about my current professional/academic dilemma (to pursue M.S. with possibility of a Ph.D.; or graduate with my PharmD and pursue "real life" post-grad opportunities instead.)   Despite the past four years of maturation and personal discovery, I think that they know me fairly well.     /////////////////   My current dilemma is this: 1. After much thought, I asked my professors about the difference in job opportunities between a PharmD with an M.S. as opposed to a PharmD with a PhD.  I then asked if, based on what they knew about me, I would be successful in a PhD program and more importantly, if I would be likely to get a tenure track professorship at a rigorous research university.  Or if I would be able to join forces with the brightest minds in Pharmaceutical Science research to study childhood leukemia; pharmacogenomics with respect to common, inheritable disorders; oncology; or any of the hundreds of major projects that are going on right now.  With a little thought they said, "With your work ethic and curiosity, I think that you would benefit from an in-depth, PhD level research project.  You are more than capable of finishing a project, defending a thesis, and writing a paper worthy of publishing in a highly-citeable journal. I think you'd make a great researcher and professor. But you are also more than capable of succeeding in a clinical job.  You have great references from the PharmD program, too." 2. Becoming a professor is tightly woven into one's identity (the classic argument of being what you do vs. doing one thing and being a myriad of other things.)   I have a number of goals for myself.  I want to travel, have a small farm where I can grow my own food and rescue pets & livestock, attempt to satiate my appetite for books, and rediscover my voice as a writer. 3. I always want to be the best at what I do.  Part of me says, "I could get my Masters but why stop there?  Why not take this as far as humanly possible?" 4. The thought process behind #3 is likely to prevent the non-occupational impact that I would like to have on the (my?) world ... as outlined in #2.       I think that sometimes growing up can make us lose our hopes to become an astronaut or professional stuntman or roller coaster reviewer.  But sometimes our childhood dreams are worth holding onto as adults.  I think that I have some of the latter, and the best compromise that I can think of is to pursue the B.S. and M.S. in Pharmaceutics to get a stronger pharmacologic, pharmacokinetic/pharmacodynamic, and genomic background.  In addition, I will get a glimpse at real research by developing my own project and defending a thesis (less in-depth than what is expected of a PhD candidate).  I will also try my hand at obtaining my own funding, which is valuable for anyone who may be interested in research (being able to earn your keep and justify your usefulness to an institution can't hurt a researcher.)  But it will only be an extra year or year and a half, not an extra five or six years.   The best advice that I received from my high school mentors was this: Kristin, you have the talent to pursue as high of a degree as you can imagine.  But don't forget your gift for communication and what that can offer to patients and colleagues.  Being in a lab 24/7 might waste that. So do I want to be defined by my job? No.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders!     ///////////////////       Ethan was violently ill on Friday, so Jonathan and I had the night to ourselves.  We made soba noodles with asparagus, crimini mushrooms, and miso/peanut/tamari sauce with seared scallops [I perfected the recipe from last week!]  After that we went to the eight o'clock show at Wise Guys Comedy Club ... had a few drinks and a lot of laughs... then stopped to rent Up and Rise of the Foot Soldier.  Since we were child-free, we opted to watch ROTFS which was incredibly moving and suspenseful.  I became completely enveloped in the story ... something about the violence and general absence of loyalty was abhorrent, but I could not look away.  On Saturday morning, I delivered some homemade cookies to my aunt's church for the bake sale.  Then Jonathan and I did some Christmas shopping, E joined us at the mall, and we picked out a Christmas tree which was the most thrilling experience of the weekend.  My dad was convinced that Christmas trees are disgusting and disease-ridden, so for the eighteen years that I lived with him, we did not have a live tree.  Not once.  Yesterday I was frolicking in mud and snow wearing patent leather flats, touching all of the trees and wanting to take every one of them home.  We decided on a beautiful blueish/green one that stands about six-feet tall with full, dignified boughs. I put together a pan of baked ziti with fake ground beef, spinach, 'shrooms, pepper, onion,and fontina while Jonathan put the tree in warm water and vacuumed the stray needles from the carpet.  We drank egg nog with Spiced Captain Morgan's while watching Up before I went home to check on my parents, do some laundry, and go to bed. I allowed myself the luxury of waking up without an alarm this morning.  I feel great!    I have a little bit of Christmas shopping left to do and I'd like to stop at the library.    Happy holidays, everyone!  I just got into the Christmas spirit.  I needed to get off campus and away from the books before I could even think about celebrating much of anything.  But, here I am.  I've made it through another semester. 2 | go on, just say it

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